Trying and trying

I'm not sure what sources of advice are responsible for the positive change in the dynamic between my son and I.  We still have the tantrums and the resistance to do anything at all that might not be his very own idea, but what has changed is my reaction to all of that.  I have to confess that it would make me absolutely miserable not knowing what to do to "reason" with this child.  Along the way, and by casually asking a lot of parents and professionals, I realized that "reason" has nothing to do with it.  He's much too young to reason.

I am the one who has to modulate it all and the only thing in my control is my own reaction.  I have learned not to take it as a personal attack upon my sanity.  I have learned that he's learning the reaches of his own will and abilities; that connections are being developed in his brain as he is testing his environment and his capabilities.  My job is to keep calm, stand firm and keep him from injury.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as easy as all that.  Refraining from yelling "NO!" all day is hard work, especially when it's almost instinctual.  Staying calm in the midst of a kicking and screaming session is a tremendous test of temperance.  I have to tell myself "he's only two, he doesn't know yet how to express emotions adequately."  Sometimes he brings me to within an inch of engaging him in battle, but I try my best to dodge it.  I'm still learning how to manage his outbursts.  I don't know that I can apply this one method for everything.  Parenting is the hardest when you have no tools.  I have found but one.

It has become my quest to learn to be a parent for Eli's sake.  One cannot be careless about these little ones because it will impact the rest of their lives.  I will make mistakes;  I'm sure I already have.  But, I will try to avoid as many as possible so my impact in his life will be a positive one.

Away and missing you

As I sit in my hotel room, a sudden thought strikes me. My little Eli. Two thousand miles away and he tugs at my heart with his little hand. I miss you so much. I also feel guilty; guilty for leaving you and guilty for needing a break.

I love you with all my heart. God knows I do, but sometimes I am overwhelmed. You are so energetic and determined that it seems all I do is say no, stop and don't. I feel awful about that at the end of the day; like a bad parent. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and that somehow I will end up messing you up.

I want you to feel loved and supported and guided, and I just feel so uncertain about wether I'm doing all that for you in the best of ways. I think it's time for some classes. Maybe I'm not doing everything wrong, but it would help to hear it from someone "in the know."

Always late

It seems we can never get out of the house on time. This morning, as luck would have it, I found Bumper, our Dachshound out and about in the living room.  Someone forgot to shut his crate and he peed all over the floor.  Since he's blind and prone to spin, he'd spun around spreading urine all across the entire living room.  As if I had time to clean up!

I took all the dogs out to the yard to do their business and proceeded to clean up the mess. Eli, my son, was luckily still asleep.

Then onto waking the two-year-old only to argue with him about going to daycare.  As ususal, he didn't want to go.  I don't argue with him anymore. I merely say "papi has to go to work and Eli has to go to daycare." I repeat it as many times as he says "I don't want to go." Then his eyes hurt, then he didn't want to go to the bathroom, then he didn't want to change out of his pajamas (soaken wet from an incident through the night).

The dogs are finally back from their outing and into their crates. I must still put on a shirt because if I put it on when I get ready in the morning it will be soaken wet by the time I leave the house from sweating with all this stress! We finally leave the house and I'm already ten minutes late! How does this happen? Why is it that I can't leave the house on time?!!!